Last night I was in the dumps. Bad. I sometimes feel like I work SO hard with health & fitness and I don't see any results. My pants size has pretty much stayed the same in 2 years, my weight hasn't changed in over a year, and I sometimes just feel disgusted with the way I look. I think it's normal to feel that way. But, what do I know? On the other hand...I have days I just feel so good and empowered by my hard workouts and good eating habits. I know everyone says the last 10 pounds are the hardest...but I never thought it would seem impossible. I'm just frustrated. And I just want to do this the right way. I feel like this is one thing in my life I can control, and I can't seem to control it.
When I was in high school I had an eating disorder and I got very thin very fast. Obviously it wasn't healthy, but I was small. I was 5'7" weighing 110 pounds, and wearing a size 2/4. Ironically I wasn't happy then, either. But, now that I'm trying to do this the right way it seems so much harder. I had so many bad thoughts about myself last night that at one point I thought having an eating disorder seemed "easier" than what I'm doing now. Or at least I'd get faster results. But, such is life. Nothing is fair. I want to be healthy and I made a pact with myself long ago that I wouldn't ever re-treat to those unhealthy habits.
My running shoes are packed in my suitcase, and I AM going to be running on this trip. I didn't even bring my ipod because I just need some time to reflect...some quiet time. Time to remember that there are more important things in my life. Time to just listen to my feet hit the pavement and forget my troubles. Time to de-stress myself and to remember that I need to be more patient with myself and with the Lord's timing in my life. Time to remind myself that the judgements that others make about me don't really matter. Time to remember Christ.
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